Game of Thrones: S06E08 No One Review

All right, we've all seen the preview for episode 9, Battle of the Bastards, where we will finally get the long awaited Snowbowl/Bastardbowl. It looks epic, Jon and Sansa's disagreements continue, and this time Sansa thinks he's underestimating Ramsay, Davos sees the place they burnt Shireen, Ramsay's looking smug as hell, and I can't wait for Jon to wipe that smirk off his face, and then after Jon beats him, he stabs him and I hope he tells Ramsay "the Starks sent their regards." I'm pretty sure the trailer was enough to make everyone, book readers and show only watchers alike, nerdgasm. (Wait, what do you mean that was just me?) 

So to get to that episode, let's get through this one. Yes, there are spoilers.



It opens in Braavos with Lady Crane finishing up another performance, this time as an angry Cersei after Joffrey meets his untimely demise. When her part's over, she goes backstage to find a bleeding Arya, so she repays the girl for saving her life before by stitching up those wounds. Pretty convenient that an actress hows do to do that right? Well...she used to fight with her lovers, then she'd stab them, then she'd stitch them up. That makes sense...not. I'm pretty sure D&D pulled this one out of their ass to explain how Lady Crane knows how to stitch up wounds.

Speaking of bad writing, this episode shuts down any theories about Jaqen disguising himself as Arya to test the Waif, Arya and the Waif being the same person, Lady Crane being a secret Faceless Man etc. It was what it looked like, Arya was stupidly walking around Braavos, without Needle, even though she knew the Waif was on her tail and she could be anyone.



That was out of character, I doubt Arya is that stupid. And I think they only made her stupid to advance the plot. I've been on TV Tropes long enough to know that's not a good sign, if you have to resort to making someone stupid to make the plot go forward, even if it is out of character for said character to act that way, you should scratch all that and go back to the drawing board, for a better writing plan. No one likes it when someone has to be out of character stupid because the plot says so. By the way, D&D, this could've been avoided if you had gone with "that was Jaqen testing the Waif." What a wasted opportunity.



In Meereen, things seem to be going well. The city's bustling with life, the Harpies stopped attacking, peace has been achieved for now, and tons of people are buying what the Red Priests are saying about Dany being "a gift to the people from the Lord of Light." Varys still doesn't like those guys very much, but he assures Tyrion that Dany will be back, he then leaves off on a secret mission, he doesn't say what it is though, just that they need allies and ships in Westeros. Assuming he's telling the truth, he could be going off to Dorne to secure allies for Dany, to King's Landing to kill Pycelle and Kevan, or to the Iron Islands to get ships (though that one's not too likely, I mean...how can he not know about Yara and Theon in Volantis? That guy has spies everywhere).



In the Riverlands, four of the Brotherhood Without Banners are sitting around, talking when the Hound finds them and he starts butchering them all with his axe. The next day, he comes across Thoros of Myr and Beric Dondarrion hanging the three guys that killed the septon and the other villages that were building the sept. The Brotherhood didn't authorize that attack, so these guys have to die by hanging, even though the Hound wants to give them a crueler death. Since they don't allow that, Sandor just takes this one guy, Lemoncloak's boots before he's even done dying. The Brotherhood tries to convince the Hound to join them, using the same rhetoric the septon did--everything happens for a reason; the Lord of Light gave Thoros of Myr the power to revive Beric for a reason, he made Sandor beat Beric for a reason (though the Hound's still rolling his eyes at that). The Brotherhood's heading North, because winter is coming, and they need guys like Sandor to fight "something that would kill everyone, young and old, good and bad" and it's still not too late for him to right his wrongs. Sounds like the White Walkers. If the Hound agrees to that, it'd mean no Cleganebowl, but to be honest seeing him kick some White Walker ass would be awesome too.



In King's Landing, Lancel and the Sparrows come to the Red Keep for Cersei, because the High Sparrow wants to see her in the Great Sept of Baelor. Cersei won't go, so Lancel threatens violence. Cersei chooses violence, so one of the Sparrows come forward and he tries to attack FrankenGregor, but that doesn't work. The Mountain grabs him by the throat, throws him a few feet away, and then rips out his head and spine. The sight of this makes the Sparrows scatter. Aww man...I wanted to see the Mountain kill them all, Lancel included. Ever since he joined the Sparrows, he's become more and more unlikable. I did feel bad for him when Robert mistreated him, I laughed at him when Tyrion made him his bitch, I felt sympathy for him again when Cersei punched him in his wound during the Battle of Blackwater, but I take all that back. No one likes a Sparrow.

Later in the throne room, Tommen makes an announcement, and Kevan forces Cersei to stand in the galley with the other ladies of the court, as opposed to beside Tommen. Ha ha, Kevan's so cool, always humiliating Cersei, no amount of it is, or will ever be enough. Tommen talks about how "herp derp the Crown and the Faith are the twin pillars of the world, if one collapses the other falls too." No, the Crown can do without the Faith; it'd be so much better off without it. He goes on about how "the Father judges us all, if you break his laws, you will be punished." No, the Father is a cunt, and he can shove his laws up his ass. He then abolishes trial by combat as it's "a brutish way for corrupt rulers to avoid true justice."



Oh yes, Tommen got a lot of hate for that. There's even a subreddit called r/FuckTommen now.

I'm disappointed of course, and I already hate Tommen for being a pussy, but I hate him more in this episode for being stupid. Without the Mountain, the trial would be rigged against Cersei, losing would mean she'd be formally charged with regicide and incest, though I assume it's incest with Lancel, not Jaime. The High Sparrow wouldn't want the truth to leak, that would mean Tommen is not the rightful king, and I think he wants his meal ticket to resume the position of king, so he can keep controlling him. Still, it can't be good news for Tommen if Cersei's convicted.

Oh, and Qyburn says his little birds investigated a rumour for Cersei, and it's "much more" than what she thought. No word on what it actually is, but I think it's about the amount of wildfire the Mad King hid around the city and underneath the Baelor's Sept. The lead theory (which I buy) is that Cersei will after running out of options, try to burn down the Sept during her trial and Tommen will literally die in a fire.

 

In Riverrun, Brienne meets up with Jaime, and Bronn meets up with Pod. Jaime's surprised Sansa managed to survive, because "girls like her don't live very long" (hmm...Myrcella reference?). He even says he's proud of her. I wish Jaime would get more scenes with Brienne. That's not just because I ship them, I think some of his best scenes are with her (remember that scene with them in the bath and he tells her the real reason he killed Aerys? we need more scenes like that).

Brienne and Jaime talk about getting the Blackfish to surrender without bloodshed but Jaime doubts that's possible, since the Blackfish is supposedly even more stubborn than Brienne. Jaime lets Brienne try her plan, to get him to give up Riverrun so he can march north for Winterfell, and Jaime can go back south. Jaime promises her he'd let the Blackfish go north if her plan succeeds (and she trusts him, since she knows there's some honour in him, even if no one else sees it), he gives her until nightfall, and if he doesn't yield by then, they'll fight, and neither of them wants it to come to that, 'cause they'll be fighting for opposite sides. Oh, and Jaime lets her keep Oathkeeper, when Brienne tries to give it back since she completed her mission, but he tells her "it will always be yours," just like his heart.

Brienne enters the castle, but the Blackfish doesn't believe she's on his side, because she was able to ride through the Lannister camps and she has a Lannister sword. Brienne convinces him when she tells him Jaime gave her the sword to protect Sansa, and she's planning to do that till she dies. After reading the letter, the Blackfish remarks how Sansa's just like Catelyn, but he won't send any soldiers to her, he needs them to hold Riverrun as I predicted.

Jaime decides to try a different approach with Edmure. He tells him that if Riverrun surrenders, he can see his son, and then he can arrange a decent life for them in Casterly Rock, but Edmure tells him to go fuck himself (not literally but that was the basic gist of it), he wonders how Jaime can sleep at night being part of the family that killed Catelyn and being the guy that killed the king he was supposed to protect (fuck off, Edmure). Jaime tries another approach again, saying that he loves Cersei and he'd do anything to get back to her, and if he has to kill every Tully and launch Edmure's son through a catapult to do so, he'll just have to go with that.


(Yup, this is the scene in a nutshell).

Yes, I know in the books Jaime threatened Edmure with the exact same thing, except book Jaime didn't really mean it, and book Jaime pretty much cast Cersei aside by this point. Show Jaime went back to her.

Someone on r/asoiaf theorized that show Jaime is taking another dark turn when it comes to character development. Well, if he's just gonna become darker again, what the fuck was his season 3 character development there for?

Edmure's allowed to go back to the castle, but the Blackfish doesn't want to let him in, he knows the Freys won't release their most valuable prisoner so easily, therefore it's a trap, but one of the guys under him insists on it, because "herp derp Edmure is the Lord of Riverrun" so he has to follow his orders as opposed to the Blackfish's. What makes this scene really dumb is the fact he calls the Blackfish "my lord" the entire time he goes on and on about Edmure, one of his lines about Edmure while he's talking to the Blackfish is even "he's my lord, my lord," another is "you are not lord of this castle, my lord." If the Blackfish isn't your lord, why the fuck are you calling him "my lord?"

This makes no sense.

The guy lets Edmure in, and Edmure commands them to open the gates, lay down their arms and let the Lannisters and Freys in. And then he commands the Blackfish to be put in chains (fuck you Edmure). The Blackfish arranges for Brienne and Pod to escape, but he makes the dumb decision to stay behind and make a last stand, as opposed to escaping with them, so he can live and take revenge on the Freys another day.

In the morning, an officer reports to Jaime the Blackfish died offscreen (because they spent all the budget on the Snowbowl). Jaime sees Brienne and Pod leaving in a boat, and he solemnly waves goodbye to them.



Back in Meereen, Missandei, Grey Worm and Tyrion are sitting around drinking and Tyrion starts telling jokes. He tells a pretty funny one about a Lannister, Stark and Martell walking into a bar. I'll repeat it here, all of them order drinks and when the barman brings the drinks over, all of them see a fly in their drink. The Lannister demands a new drink, the Martell eats the fly and the Stark pulls out the fly and shouts "spit it out, ya wee shit, spit it out!" at it. For those who don't get it, it's supposed to be a joke on how the Lannisters are refined, Martells are weird, and Starks are niggardly drunks. I thought it was actually funny. Tyrion starts another one about walking into a brothel with a honeycomb and a jackass (just like in season 1 in his trial at the Vale), but he's interrupted by these bells ringing. Everyone rushes outside to see ships with the Ghiscari harpy on the sails, and it's the masters. They want their slaves back.

I did not see that coming. I really thought Tyrion's plan would work. So what now? Well...the ships start launching bombs on the pyramid, and Grey Worm's plan is that they stay in the pyramid and wait for the masters to come. Yup, he proposes that they stay put like cowards, otherwise the masters would take over the pyramid, if they leave and fight them at the beach. Then the pyramid starts shaking, and it appears the masters have breached it. But then Dany comes in, and you can see Drogon in the background. It's implied he torched the masters' ships, but it's all offscreen because they spent the budget on the Battle of the Bastards. Yeah, that whole everything's offscreen thing's starting to get annoying.

By the way, isn't it awfully convenient that Varys left just before the masters started attacking? It's too convenient to be a coincidence, that man must've known about this, his little birds are everywhere, but he didn't warn Tyrion at all. He might not entirely be on their side, but who else could he be rooting for, considering Aegon, alleged son of Rhaegar has been adapted out like Lady Stoneheart? 



Back in Braavos, Lady Crane gets more medication for Arya, when she sees some creepy blond guy in her house. Oh wait, it's not really him, it's just the Waif using another face. Arya wakes up to find Lady Crane impaled by a chair. Yes, I'm serious...impaled by a chair.



That looks rather ridiculous...it makes me laugh.

And so a chase begins. For a girl that's been stabbed the day before, Arya runs surprisingly fast, but her stitches open up again after landing the wrong after a jump off a bridge. Now that she's bleeding again, Arya lures the Waif to her hiding spot in Blood of My Blood with...what else but a trail of blood? She takes out Needle and slashes the candle, making the room pitch black.

In the House of Black and White, Jaqen follows a trail of blood to the Hall of Faces and sees the Waif's face, with blood coming out of both of her eye sockets and mouth, imply Arya gouged out the Waif's eyes like she did to Ser Teryn Mant Meryn Trant. Jaqen turns around to see Arya standing behind him pointing Needle at him. He tells her a girl has finally become no one.

Wait what? First, Arya's unnerved by the play the play because it puts her family in a bad light (implying she's still a Stark), then Arya refuses to kill Lady Crane because she didn't seem so bad (even though a servant of the Many Faced God is supposed to follow orders, nothing more), then Arya's hunted by the Waif, then Arya kills the Waif, and yet, somehow she's still ready to become no one, even though her actions imply she's somebody? What? How the fuck does that work?

Arya then tells him "no, a girl is Arya Stark" before she leaves and decides to go back to Westeros. Well, that's a dumb way to end Arya's arc. Arya left Westeros for Essos because there was nothing left for her in Westeros, now she's going back even though she has no idea what the fuck's been going on beyond Joffrey and Tywin being dead and Sansa being forcibly married to Tyrion (she's not the viewer, she doesn't know about Jon and Sansa's plan to take back Winterfell and save Rickon, or anything about Bran at this point). Now I assume she'd be killing the rest of the people on her list, but how's she gonna do that? With all the different assassination techniques she's learnt? Oh right...she never learnt that much, beyond sparring, mixing stuff etc. but next to the average faceless assassin, she's still a newbie. We've never seen Arya use a face from the Hall of Faces on a mission (no, killing Meryn Trant wasn't one, that was an unauthorized kill), or remove a face from a corpse to add it to the hall. Point is, she's not a full-fledged assassin. Her storyline still feels...incomplete for me. I get that Arya would at some point, get to her kill list, but I always assumed it'd be sometime after she becomes a full-fledged assassin, not halfway during her training at the House of Black and White. That's not getting into the even dumber things--Arya strutting through the city without Needle, Lady Crane suddenly becoming a healer. Someone on r/asoiaf also found Arya's survival to be unrealistic (considering Khal Drogo couldn't survive a cut, yet Arya gets stabbed and manages to swim through a dirty medieval city canal without getting a nasty infection), and they thought her being stabbed in the first place was done purely for the sake of shock value, which is getting a bit out of hand for them. I think they have a point with the shock value thing, Arya was acting stupid just so she could get stabbed, and that happened partly because I think D&D wanted to shock us, the viewers, that does explain why they had Arya was out of character.

Tommen didn't surprise me, besides the "no more trial by combat" announcement. He's beyond redemption, he's been beyond redemption for a long time. Jaime's arc has been going downhill for a while, but his speech to Edmure about how he'd kill every Tully to get back to Cersei and the fact he meant every word of it cemented it for me...though unlike Tommen, I think Jaime can be redeemed. If the lead theory's right, after Cersei kills Tommen, she'll snap and order the entire city, not just the Sept to be burnt, and Jaime would realise just how far his sister's gone to the deep end, before he kills her o fulfill the prophecy.

Tyrion didn't do much this season, that's a disappointment because Tyrion is one of the best characters in the entire series, and Peter Dinklage isn't that bad of an actor, we could always see more of him in the show, doing more than telling jokes and making one deal.

The Blackfish didn't need to die, I don't know why they had to kill him off.

Aside from the premiere episode, I think No One was the second worst episode of the season, everything good was offscreen, Tommen became the Cleganebowl Hypeslayer, Arya's arc made little sense, Jaime's arc felt like taking a step back, the Blackfish died because...potatoes...but like a sweet summer child I still have high hopes for the Snowbowl, and until Sunday...